Seeing her didn’t raise my expectations. A gray-haired woman, who looked like she had been resuscitated from a mortuary, shuffled up to the pulpit, slowly unfolded several pieces of paper and started talking about her ministry in the church with a time-worn southern drawl. The idea was that she would tell us what her ministry does and why it’s important to the Kingdom of Heaven, and then the congregation would drop some extra cash in the offering plate to support it.

Everyone was attentive at the beginning, but then, three stories and ten minutes later, as she meandered all over God’s green earth, we were wondering if she was going to let the pastor preach his sermon. Maybe she was also going to give the altar call and benediction. I was just hoping she’d let us sing another song—but even that appeared unlikely.

Along the way, two of her awkward stories about ministry volunteers showed them to be wondrously inept. I wondered how the church could expect me to give anything to a ministry that had such buffoons as volunteers and such poor spokespeople. It became clear that her memory and sense of place weren’t as strong as they used to be. Why did the leaders of the church ever give her a microphone? The ministry and its volunteers were probably far better than she represented. Probably.

Now, I’ve been to this church before, and this is something they appear to do frequently, either to raise money for a ministry or simply to highlight a personal testimony. The outcome is usually better—but not by much.

So—all you lay speakers—listen to me. When speaking in a church service, if you haven’t said something to grab my attention within the first thirty seconds my mind starts looking for an exit. And if you pass two minutes, you’ll find me far away on a tropical island sipping fruit smoothies in a hammock under a grove of palm trees. Nearby, the gentle waves of a sapphire lagoon caress the virgin sand. Please don’t even try to steal me away from my imaginary paradise by regaining my attention. My little island is so much better.

Pastor, why would you do this to your audience? Do you know how this reflects on your ministry? Apparently, not. So I’d like to suggest that you adopt three non-negotiable rules for non-professional speakers—if you feel a need to give them a microphone:

• NEVER give a microphone to someone who hasn’t been thoroughly vetted and approved. In other words, a qualified staff member can attest to this person’s Christian character and to his speaking ability.

• NEVER permit a person to speak who has not submitted a manuscript for approval. Extemporaneous speakers aren’t allowed. Neither are outlines. Every word must be written on paper and read from the paper. Everything that is written must conform to Christian doctrine and to the mission and vision of the church.

• NEVER approve a manuscript that exceeds 500 words or 2 minutes when read. As a general rule, shorter is better. Use the KISS acronym: Keep It Short and Simple. Your speaker doesn’t have to tell everything about the ministry just the most compelling part. There’s a saying that should drive you, “Always leave them [your audience] wanting more.”

And if the lay speaker strays from the approved text, NEVER invite him back. Why not? Because he has made your ministry look unprofessional, he’s made you look weak as a leader, and he’s offended the congregational members that have placed their trust in you. A bad guest speaker reflects poorly on your ministry. If you do that too many times you’ll risk losing people’s confidence and loyalty. You might also lose them to another church—and I’ll join the exodus. Or maybe I’ll just return to my tropical island.