Find a Better Shepherd

Question from a Friend

I have a question for you. I am asking because I trust your opinion. I was at a store to buy groceries. The staff was working on Easter displays, but many of the shelves where bare. There were no eggs, cottage cheese, sour cream, or cheese. As I was walking through the store, I noticed a manager and another associate so I told them that the management needs to spend more time stocking shelves and less time on their Easter display.

The associate, a member of my church, complained to my pastor. My pastor called me late that night, at 9:45pm, and verbally attacked me over the phone. He said that I behaved poorly and was a poor representation of the church. I was not displaying Christlike characteristics.

The thing is, though, I was very polite in the store and never raised my voice to the associate or manager. I just stated my complaint. I feel that I have done nothing wrong. I told my pastor that if the associate took my comment personally, I apologize. Nothing in my complaint was directed at her.

Two days later, my wife and I had a meeting with the pastor and church leadership. The attack started almost immediately after we sat down. I listened for awhile and then I stated that I could not submit any longer to the pastor’s authority. We terminated our leadership position and left the church.

This was not the first attack we received from the pastor. I felt as if the bonds of trust where broken and that I no longer could trust him to lead. Do you think I should have handled this differently? Or do you think I should have stayed in the church?

My Response

I appreciate the confidence you have in me. I hope my response lives up to that.

First, your initial comment might have come across in a manner other than you intended. You said, “the management needs to spend more time stocking shelves and less time on their Easter display.” This might have sounded judgmental and condemning to the sales associate. Whatever the management does is really up to them, however it might affect their business. And sales associates are hired to do whatever the store manager wants, even if it is setting up an Easter display when they should be stocking shelves. A less confrontational comment might have been, “I see you’re busy working on the Easter display. Do you have someone who could help me find the eggs?”

Second, regarding your role in the situation, I’ve found that, even when the other person is largely at fault, an apology from me can help defuse a potentially explosive situation. I’m not always aware how I’m coming across to someone else and I don’t have the ability to read their mind or know their heart like God does. This means that either of us might make false assumptions about the other person’s intent based upon things as subtle as facial appearance or vocal inflection.

Several weeks ago, a woman in the church confronted me harshly over a song that was planned, but that I didn’t have the congregation sing. We were simply out of time. But the song had special meaning for her and she demanded, “I want to know why you didn’t have the congregation sing that song!” My apology brought the intensity of the situation down several notches and helped me avoid what would have been a much more difficult confrontation later. She walked away feeling satisfied. I walked away feeling intimidated and angry about her attitude, but relieved that I still had my job. I learned later that the song was sung at her mother’s funeral.

The Biblical principle here is that “a soft [gentle] word turns away wrath [anger].” By responding gently, we bring the intensity of the situation down a few notches where, eventually, we can all talk about it rationally.

Having said all this, you seemingly offered an appropriate apology. You said, “if the associate took my comment personally, I apologize.” This apology might have influenced the situation more positively had you offered it to the sales associate.

Third, sometimes my opinions aren’t worth sharing. This is because the other person might have an equally valid opinion, or because I might not have enough information to form a correct opinion, or because the other person might not have what Jesus called “ears to hear” the truth. In situations like yours, generally, I’ve found that I should wait a day before expressing my opinion to the person. This gives me time to think it through and to assess whether addressing the situation is a good idea. A question to ask is, “Is this a hill worth fighting for and dying on?” A short postponement also gives me time to share the situation with my wife and to get her opinion. She’s a pretty good judge of whether I need to address it or just let it go.

Fourth, regarding the associate’s role, it appears as though she overreacted and handled the situation improperly. She felt offended by your comment and should have talked to you about it, rather than report you to a higher authority. The senior pastor’s first words to the church member should have been something like this, “According to scripture you need to talk to West first, before involving anyone else—including me. Have you done that?” When the pastor responds as this one did, he is acting as the policeman of the church, enforcing the rule of law rather than taking the pastoral role of a mediator and healer. He violated the same principle when he confronted you the second time before an audience of church leaders.

Fifth, there are times when a pastor does have to confront people. No matter how gentle his words, his firmness might come across as unyielding and unreasonable—even when it is biblical and warranted. I didn’t personally observe any of these encounters, so I don’t know the extent to which your perception of the situation conforms to the pastor’s actual approach.

Finally, you should probably find another church. Your attitude or words were partly responsible for the situation. But this situation, and apparently others, was not handled well by the senior pastor. No pastor should ever make a member of his flock feel “attacked.” Such an affront from him can do nothing but break “the bonds of trust” that you have in him. If you can’t trust him to lead you, mentor you, and care for you, then you should find another flock with a better shepherd.