Love Me, Confront Me

Matthew 18:15-20

Several nights ago, I attended my daughter’s middle school open house. After welcoming everyone, the principal highlighted a few school rules and principles of behavior. One of them sounded very much like Matthew 18:15-17. He said, “If you have a problem with a teacher, start with the teacher. If you have a problem with me, don’t go to Barbara Darden.” Everyone laughed. Of course, Ms. Darden is the superintendent of our school district— and his boss.

A fundamental principle of law is that everyone has the right to be confronted by his accuser. And yet, as we relate to people, we regularly deny them that right:

• We find it easier to embrace our false perception of people rather than to seek the truth.
• We find it easier to make assumptions about them rather than to seek clarification.
• We find it easier to say behind people’s backs what we can’t bring ourselves to say to their faces.
• We find it easier to murmur with others who have a critical and complaining spirit rather than to quietly refuse complicity in a conversation that could tear another person down.

We forget that Satan is “the accuser of the brethren” (Revelation 12:10) and that by accusing others we are agreeing with a demonic assessment of them. And so, other people are wounded, relationships broken, hope deferred, God’s Spirit grieved, and lives altered forever.

I wonder how different our lives might be if we lived by the standard of 1 Corinthians 13:4—7 or Romans 13:10. Maybe we would begin to fulfill the scriptural admonition to love one another at all times, not just when it is easy or convenient. And by first loving people, maybe our assumptions would be positive, our tone gentle, and our goal redemptive for others and ourselves.

I want to know, can you love me when I disappoint you? Can you see my strengths and not be blinded by my weaknesses? And when you point out the piece of sawdust in my eye, will you be able to see the beam of timber in your own (Matthew 7:3)? This is how God’s people live in community.

If we have anything against anyone, especially a brother or sister in the faith, we have the obligation before God to approach them alone, aware of our own faults and being willing to receive correction like we are prepared to give it. None of us is perfect; all of us need one another’s help to be made whole and useful for God’s purposes. As Proverbs says, “Iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17). It might not always feel good, but it may be necessary, and it can only happen when the two of us come together in love and truth.

Finally, be aware that loving another person in the Spirit of Christ might mean leaving him alone. Maybe his dull edge won’t receive sharpening. If you can’t say something to a person because he is unapproachable, don’t say it to anyone else behind his back. As a co-laborer with Christ, trust in God’s grace and let the Lord help him if that is possible.

I have a feeling my daughter’s principal would appreciate that.

–Don Kimball

Dear Exhausted:

I hear you bro and I feel your pain. The worst part of being in the ministry is the people you have to lead. Some, of course, understand your role and theirs, and they live out a grace-filled life that is a product of the vibrant life of Christ within them. But, in my experience, most Christians are stretched too thinly with family, work, and social commitments to take on the reflective life of prayer that gives life and fruit to a person’s faith. So, we as leaders endure the stress of ministering to a dysfunctional church that never quite measures up to its potential. The Epistles would never have been written by Paul, Peter, and John had all the churches in their day truly lived in the zone where Jesus blesses and empowers people.

Sadly, this takes a costly toll on many pastors and their families. I’ve seen studies showing that the majority of pastors are overly stressed by the demands of ministry, dissatisfied with their employment and have suffered sexual temptation (if not, sin). I believe those things are related. Many pastors are looking for an escape from the stress of ministry. Some find an immoral outlet in the church; others find an escape door.

Having said that, I’d like to point out that your training and experience in ministry have made you a valuable asset in the Kingdom of Heaven. You’re tired. Maybe a three- or six-month sabbatical is all you need. Maybe your church would consider continuing your salary for that length of time. I would hope so. You would have to build a strong case to present to your board with studies supporting your need for a sabbatical and with the policies of various denominations. You would also have to present a plan for the ministry of the church continuing in your absence. Three pastors in my area recently took three-month sabbaticals. Each of them began preparing their church boards and congregations a year ahead of time.

If God leads you out of ministry for a period of time, I’d like to encourage you not to leave without a plan. You would need an income from an employer that you like, doing work that you would enjoy. Also, you should consider how you could best reinvest your knowledge of ministry into Kingdom work. I know from experience that the inability to reconnect with ministry is deeply depressing when you have something to give and no one wants it. How would you handle being called but never chosen? There are so many licensed and ordained ministers looking for a pastorate that church search committees often receive hundreds of applications. Yours, as mine, might be lost in that pile and rejected in favor of younger applicants.

If you would consider a long-term hiatus from ministry, and if you have savings, I would recommend using some of it to acquire training from a college or technical school that would provide you with some updated skills. You’ll need that in order to be competitive in a job market that is already overloaded with young, highly educated applicants. No secular employer will be impressed by your seminary degree and your 25-year resume pastoring churches. That’s because they don’t have a point of reference for knowing how extensive your managerial skills may be. You might have led a staff, presided over countless board meetings, balanced budgets, and managed a school. But to an employer in the world outside your church, you’re nothing more than a narrow-minded, bigoted preacher–because they’ve heard a few. Also, as a former pastor, you’ll be viewed suspiciously by some people. Pastors just don’t leave their churches–do they? Isn’t it usually because of a moral failure?

If you’re considering starting a business, please consider that the majority of small businesses in America fail. You would need considerable capital, and training, and time to make any new business succeed. If you have the money you can get the training at a local community college or through a small business association. But if you have the money and the training, you’ll still need plenty of time for your business to succeed. That could take years. Can your family and budget endure the wait? Also, setting aside factors like location and marketing, most businesses succeed because the person at the helm has the vision and drive to create interest in the product or service. Do you have an entrepreneurial mind and personality?

Friend, I’m not a pessimist; I’m a realist. My experience in ministry has taught me to appraise my life objectively and honestly. I hope you’ll do the same. Your success in your present church may not be repeated. Are you prepared for that emotionally? Is your wife? Are your children? My children miss the attention they received as the pastor’s kids. They took pride in their father having an honored position in the church. Hearing people call their father, “Pastor Don”, meant more to them than they could articulate at the time.

My hope and prayer is that you will count the cost of leaving your church–and that, if you feel it is worth paying, you leave only when you have a plan for your life, family, ministry, and employment.

Praying for you!

United We Stand

The tension on the field was palpable. Both teams fought for every yard, play by play. The crowd in the stands raised a deafening cheer with every first down and with every hard-won point added to the board. Then it happened. On a breakaway play, a wide receiver went long, deep into the enemy’s territory. Despite pressure from defensive tackles rushing around him, the quarterback found his man and launched a beautiful pass that fell safely into the extended hands of his receiver who burned every ounce of adrenaline to elude two pursuers for the most exciting touchdown of the game. It was a beautifully executed play. Caught up in the moment, I leapt to my feet, applauding, and was about to let out a loud cheer when I noticed… that I was standing alone. Everyone around me was silent. The touchdown was for the other team.

Local churches are like that. We’re all in the same game, trying to advance God’s ball to the somewhat different goals that God has given us. Despite our shared faith and calling, we are so fearful of the other team getting ahead of us that we can’t find the will to applaud their success. When a neighboring church makes a breakaway play we jealously despise their triumphal moment. We sit quietly, usually without comment or, sometimes, with a derogatory complaint. We mistakenly believe that we are competing against each other. After all, there are only so many fish to fry, only so many people in the town where we live who are potential members and tithers. We have to fight for every living, breathing person. Don’t we? We have to fight for every inch of the field.

I wonder sometimes about small churches that won’t send people to the training events sponsored by larger, more successful, churches. I wonder about churches that send mission teams to assist Christians halfway around the world but that won’t support a local mission with whatever resources it needs. I wonder about senior pastors who won’t take the time to build a friendship with the senior pastors of neighboring churches and to partner with them in community ministry.

Consider two renegades.

One senior pastor each year hosts a community “Good Friday Worship Service” in which pastors from seven local churches are invited to speak over a period of several hours. Each pastor addresses one of the seven last words of Christ in a fifteen-minute homily after a musician or group from his church has led everyone in a song. The host pastor assumes the risk that his congregants might find the preaching or music of a neighboring church more appealing. They might leave and go there to worship. But they don’t. His congregation is thriving.

Another senior pastor of a large successful church befriended the pastors of three small nearby churches. One Sunday, during a series on “unity” he invited all three of them to his worship service where they were seated on the platform. He introduced them, and then asked them to talk about their vision for their churches. Graciously, the senior pastor invited his church members to visit one of their churches and to consider joining it. Then he prayed for his friends. How did this affect his church? Not at all. His worship attendance remained the same; weekly giving didn’t drop. What he gained was the perception that he was a selfless, generous, warm-hearted senior pastor who is as interested in the success of the Kingdom of Heaven as he in the success of his own church.

The Bible underscores that our success is enhanced by viewing ministry differently than opposing teams view each other on a football field. Search for “churches” in your Bible and you will find numerous references to growing churches collaborating in the progress of the gospel. There is an intrinsic cause-effect relationship between the Spiritual unity of doctrine and mission and the Spiritual blessing of growth and prosperity. (Psalm 133:1-3)

So what was the outcome of my embarrassing moment in the stands? Our team won the game. Of course, we would have won anyway—even if everyone had stood to celebrate the other team’s solitary moment of glory.